Sometimes

Sometimes I curse the stupidity of people, sometimes I'll read a complete stranger's blog and I'm moved by the raw emotion they put out there for the entire world to see.

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder if it'll ever get better, sometimes I look at my life and think that I've got it pretty good.

Sometimes I couldn't care less about the direction the country is going, sometimes I want to fix every problem I see.

Sometimes I really miss smoking and drinking, sometimes I'll look at the bank account balance and think that I'm glad I don't do that stuff anymore.

Sometimes I'll wake up wishing I didn't have to go to work, sometimes I'll think about how lucky I am to have a good job.

Sometimes I worry if my teenage boys are really okay in these fragile years of theirs, sometimes I'm really impressed by how much character they have.

Sometimes my wife really gets on my nerves, sometimes I think that there's no way I'd survive without her.

Sometimes I look at my 19 month old daughter and wonder if I'm really as good of a father as I can be, sometimes she comes over and hugs me and I'm instantly given the answer.

Sometimes I look back at the old days with regret, sometimes I look back at the old days and remember the fun.

Sometimes I worry about the future, sometimes I can't wait to see what it brings.

Control

It's well-known (in hockey circles, at least) that Wayne Gretzky had a fear of flying. I remember seeing a show about him years ago that talked about this and one of the reasons why he had this fear is because, "I wasn't in control". That is exactly how I feel when I'm riding in a car and not driving it myself. I'm not in control of things.

Unfortunately, that little fear doesn't mesh well with my wife's push to get her driver's license.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want her to abandon her quest for four-wheel freedom...in fact, I would welcome it just as much as she would. But I gotta say, it is really taxing on my psyche when she's behind the wheel. And sometimes I feel like I'm not being a good enough teacher because of this.

My wife works 4 nights a week, getting done with work at 11 pm or midnight. So that means that me and our daughter Ariel have to go pick her up and for the last week, the wife has been driving home for practice. She's not a bad driver by any stretch, but I get so nervous, mainly because of the other people on the road. Drunks, kids racing, cops. We take residential roads home which means plenty of traffic lights and the possibility of critters hopping out in front of us too. In other words, tons of obstacles to dodge. All of it out of my control.

And the more I think about this, the more I realize that this is not just a driving thing. Things that are out of my control eat at me. I can't control my daughter's tantrums. I can't control when one of my bosses makes bad decisions that affect me and the job I have to do. I can't control our neighbor's piss poor parking skills or their shitty cooking, of which the smell always seems to float to our apartment when it is particularly nasty.

I like to think I'm getting better at my control issue thing. I haven't been nearly as nervous in the car in the last two days as before. Of course, tonight is Saturday night which means lots and lots of crazies will be out for the ride home which means more inhaling than exhaling, if you catch my drift.

Note To Self: Exhale more.